Happiness, at least to me, is living without worry. Obviously there are always some things worth worrying about like paying bills or making sure the car runs, but the foundation of a happy life has no worry. This lack of worry--deep, scarring worry-- comes first from God, who straight up tells us not to worry about anything, to just pray about it. In light of my grandmother's passing, I am starting to become more accepting of a life after this place, and knowing where I am heading helps ease the worry. Secondly, I have a family - including my husband - who love me unconditionally. I am not worried about where my support will come from. I know they are there.
When I was in high school, I was genuinely happy. I was not worried about college acceptances (I wasn't applying to any Ivy Leagues so I knew I was okay), my family didn't have financial worries, and things were set. When I went away to college though, I was on my own and responsible for myself. I started worrying about money, credit card debt, grades, workload, social life, long-distance boyfriend, respect for my parents' wishes, and so forth. This is where the UNhappiness set in. Even after moving schools and alleviating much of that worry, I still wasn't happy. I started piling on the things to fret over (I can't get a boy to commit; I can't catch a break with this professor; I'm not the first choice for this job; Should I really be a teacher? etc.), and I think it's obvious that this was the time when I was furthest from God.
Finding Graham and finally grasping that he was not lying when he said "I will always love you," that he wasn't kidding when he said "Will you marry me?" and that he stood up there with me and said his vows, (yes it really took that long) I finally understood that I don't need to worry when it comes to him. That is when I started finding true happiness again. At the same time I started growing closer to God. It has made such a difference.
Of course we still have things to worry about, but that deep worry that hangs over head, that's gone now. I am finding my way back to happiness. Over the next month or two when Graham and I start worrying about my job security and how we'll pay our bills, I know that that happiness is still there, because that deep worry is gone. This isn't a sappy answer, but it is what I thought of and have developed into a really good theory for myself. Happiness is very different for everyone, but feeling safe and secure is important to me. I am no longer worried because I have my Savior and I have the man He made for me. Nothing can stand in our way.
What a beautiful entry. I am catching up on your blogs because I haven't been on here in a while...and this was so great to read. Happiness to me is very similar. I just keep on telling myself that even if we are 2600 miles apart, my family is happy, healthy, safe and secure with each other. That's all that I can really ask for and the rest is gravy. Even if Mat didn't get his job, we knew that we all had each other and with the support of family, it would all fall into place. As they say, it's always good in the end. And if it's not good, it's not the end!
ReplyDeleteRead this anytime the pressure gets too much, and I hope it will help put you back into a safe place. And contrary to what some people might think, it IS okay to have a bad day, to cave, cry and be upset. Once you work through that moment, just try and smile, and let that husband kiss you. :) I miss you like crazy...